I’ve thought about this post for a while now and if or how I would write it. There are so many things I want to say, but haven’t, mainly because I didn’t want to admit how I’m really feeling out loud (or in my blog). In truth, I don’t really want to do this post… the tears are already pouring out as I tap along on the keyboard. But I’m going to. I need to. I want to let others know they’re not alone in their struggles, whatever they may be, and that getting it out can sometimes have the most cathartic effect.

When I started on my weight loss journey I did so for one reason and one reason only… I want to be a mom. I counted my points and then calories, I did Zumba and circuit training and even Muay Thai. I lost a ton of weight and gained a sense of happiness I never knew, and of course my health too. I was feeling good, I was looking good and so it was time to finally try. And then… it all went to shit (excuse my French).

I have never gotten over nor accepted my miscarriage, and I don’t think I ever truly will (as evidenced by a recent ugly drunk cry session). It completely changes you… one minute your little someone is growing inside of you and the next they’re gone. Silence, an empty blip on the screen and a shitload of heartache and questions are all you’re left with.

Over the course of the past fifteen months I’ve become resentful and only recently have I admitted to myself and to my husband that I’ve lost hope that the one thing I want most in this world might never be. I got healthy to get pregnant, I did and then 8 short weeks later I wasn’t. I did everything right, why didn’t it work? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Why are people who are heavier and much unhealthier than me popping out kids left and right? Why? Why? Why? I didn’t want to think about it anymore so I buried my feelings, stopped talking about it and I ate. And ate. And ate some more. What is the point of trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle when the one thing you want the most is so far out of your reach and control? I chose the easy way and gave up, when most people would probably keep trying and fighting for what they want.

Now please, please, please don’t get me wrong… I AM unbelievably and truly happy for all of my friends and family who pop out their little miracles. I have only recently learned to accept that it is OK for me to feel what I am feeling, these real and oh so raw emotions that come and go in waves. But what I cannot accept is allowing myself to continue to eat myself into an oblivion to avoid feeling the pain and sadness I’ve tried to keep down and ignore.

I don’t want to waste anymore of my life being resentful and questioning why or what might be. I want to actually start focusing on living in the present and taking each day as it comes. But if I ever happen to make a snide or jaded comment or even ugly drunk (or sober) cry in front of you, please know that it’s not personal… it’s just me trying to work through all of these emotions instead of eating my way through them.