Some say the best place to tell a story is from the beginning… but which one? The beginning of my weight loss journey? The beginning of my infertility journey? The beginning of when all of our worlds got turned upside down? I have so many words, so many thoughts, so many feelings and emotions that are screaming to find their way onto paper… and right now I am just trying to decide where to begin. I guess I will start by reintroducing myself. Hello. My name is, Jayme.

Several months ago I openly admitted that I had lost myself. I allowed the stuff I can’t control, control me. Now, I won’t say I found myself yet, but I will say I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was.

I’ve started to take control again of what I can and trust the process of what I can’t.

I enlisted the help of an amazing new therapist to work on my mental health and reconnected with my old trainer to work on my physical health.

Little by little I feel myself getting stronger in mind and body.

I’m celebrating the wins, no matter how small.

I’m going easier on myself when I have a misstep.

And most importantly, I’m learning how to ground myself in the present, because that is what I can control.

I will forever be a work in progress and that is OK. I have a long road ahead of me, but I’m staying focused on what’s right in front of me.

Xoxo

I probably shouldn’t be blogging right now… but the infamous “they” say a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts so here goes…

I love my life… I do. I have the most amazing husband, the best of friends and a wonderful family. But I’m missing something… myself.

I lost myself somewhere in the last year. I used to be able to find my way back whenever I’ve fallen… but I’ve fallen so far this time that I don’t know if I can ever find my way…

People say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well I call bullshit. Losing my babies has made me weaker… so weak that I’m terrified to even try again and even weaker to get back to the woman I was becoming in mind, body and soul.

I have officially allowed my tragedies to define me… I crumble when things go wrong, when I lose control. And rather than strengthening my grip on what I can control I let go… because it’s easier. It’s easier to let go than to keep fighting. To keep pushing. It’s easier to make excuses or place blame on anyone or anything than where the blame needs to go… on myself.

It is not my fault that what I can’t control didn’t go my way. But it is my fault that I allow what I can’t control to control me and make me crumble.

So now I’m left to pick up the pieces… to try and put them back together, but they just don’t seem to fit. Either that or they aren’t meant to fit anymore and I need to come up with a new strategy… a new way to put myself back together when some pieces of me just don’t seem to fit anymore…

“Cope” is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as:

coped; coping

intransitive verb

1a : to deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties —often used with with- learning to cope with the demands of her schedule

“Out of sight, out of mind” is such a common coping mechanism, but the definition of “cope” begs the question, is putting things out sight, out of mind truly actual coping?

In my experience it’s not even close. Not thinking about the moments, no matter how big or small that had an impact on your life only allow those moments to fester and eventually explode into something far worse than if you had tried to work through those moments at the start.

We all want an easy fix, to not have to deal with certain experiences. But if you don’t tackle those uncomfortable experiences from the start you won’t know how to work your way out of the rabbit hole if and when you fall down again.

So I challenge you, and me to start facing those difficult situations we don’t want to deal with head on, to not put them out of sight, out of mind and let’s see how much stronger and happier we become.

Tomorrow we were supposed to meet you. It’s crazy how fast, yet how slow the last 9 months have gone by.

I stopped counting how many months I would have been as each month passed, but the last few every time I would see another woman pretty far in her pregnancy I couldn’t help but stop and think, that would have been me. That was supposed to be me.

Now, instead of meeting Baby Boy Walder we are left to wonder who you would have looked like, what your personality would have been like, how soon would your daddy have tried to toss you a football?

When I first started this blog it was meant to be about my weight loss journey, “from bagels to beets” if you will. It was never my intention for it to become about our fertility struggles. But, much like life it is a work in progress and it is still about my journey nonetheless… the laughter and the happiness, the trials and the tribulations.

Baby Boy Walder, we fell in love with you the second we knew we were expecting you and you will always have a special place in our hearts. We love you.

As I stood front and center in my living room the other night during my amazing karaoke performance of Salt-N-Pepa’s 1993 hit, “Shoop” I realized I was out of breath and my hips were killing me (hey, I said it was an amazing performance 😜).

These past few months I’ve really made a lot of progress… in the wrong direction. But this morning, while getting ready for work and getting lost in my thoughts I had an epiphany… I am a creature of habit. No, that wasn’t the epiphany, if it was this would be a hell of a lot easier. My epiphany was that I realized I’ve been interpreting one of those cliché motivational quotes completely wrong:

All of the recent challenges I’ve faced have changed me, but they’ve changed me for the worse, not the better. They’ve made me weaker, not stronger simply because I’ve allowed them to. I’m the one stopping me, I’m the one getting in my own way. Yes, I know I’ve had many posts like this over the years and you’re probably wondering, like me what’s different this time. Well, I would have to say clarity. I’m able to see the forest for the trees, if you will (gotta love a good cliché). 

Hitting obstacles along the way is expected, but making excuses to keep tripping over them is unacceptable. I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions so I will make a New Year’s statement (same difference I know)… 

Change is a constant, how I embrace it (yes, even fight it) is a choice. I am going to make the choice to learn from the change and turn it into a positive, not a negative.

This is not going to be easy, but it will be worth it (yes, yet another motivational cliché) because the next time I take my place front and center in my living room I am going to own the crap out of, “Shoop”.

Cheers and Happy New Year!!

Xoxo

Every day I get up and I put my smile on. I have to right? It’s been 4 months, that’s plenty of time to grieve for the second baby we will never get the chance to meet (please note the extreme sarcasm here). And I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer… so on my smile goes, even though all I want to do is scream and cry and throw something.

And no matter where I go I’m constantly reminded of what I don’t have. But on my smile goes because I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable or think I’m mad at them or resent them for what they are so fortunate to have.

I refuse to allow my struggle with infertility to define me. Instead I am choosing to learn and grow from my worst nightmare. I am owning the fact that I am not OK and accepting the fact that that is OK. My struggle, my journey is my own. And if I want to scream and cry and throw something I will because that is true growth. Acknowledging how I feel and taking that moment (or moments) to truly feel my emotions is how I will continue to move forward… and that is OK.

As we get ready for our upcoming second D&C, Dustin and I are sadly reminded that tomorrow, June 24th we would have been getting ready for Lily Rose’s 3rd birthday.

2 pregnancies with nothing to show for them but heartache, sadness, anger and frustration. 

To all the couples struggling with the dirty “I” word we get it and we are here for you. And to all the couples who have fortunately never had to struggle with the dirty “I” word please hug your children a little tighter for us.

There is nothing Dustin and I would want more right now than to hug our daughter and wish her a Happy 3rd Birthday instead of having to say goodbye to our second child we will never have the chance to meet.

Yes, we know we will survive this and we will be stronger for it, but there is no better way to describe how we feel right now other than this f!@#$%^ sucks.

What Infertility Means to Me…

It can break you, your relationship, your bank account.

It’s a community of people just like you. And they speak in acronyms… millions of acronyms.

It’s taking the most intimate experience between two people and turning it into needles, ultrasounds and jerking off into a cup.

It’s about finding clarity and embracing the practice of mindfulness.

It’s IUI and IVF.

It’s buying stock in pregnancy tests.

It’s poking and prodding.

It’s the highest highs and the lowest lows.

It’s contemplating adoption.

It’s starting to accept that your dreams of a party of 4 may only be just us.

It’s living life based on your period in increments of Day 1 and 2 weeks.

It’s being hyperaware of every single solitary symptom you feel.

It’s learning to breathe and trying again.

It’s having hope, but no expectations.

It’s learning what you’re truly made of and how much your mind and body can withstand.

It’s falling more in love with your partner and building an even stronger bond with each try.

It’s the waiting, the hoping, and the “did I do something wrong?”, “what can I change this time?”. 

It’s trying not to fall down the rabbit hole of a million different questions and scenarios.

It’s the painful, heartbreaking, shitty reality of having to say goodbye before you’ve even had the chance to say hello… again.

Hello readers… yes I know it’s been a while. I guess you could say I’ve had a bit of writer’s block.

In any case, maybe it’s the holiday cheer (or Fuller House season 2) that’s making me feel all nostalgic and sappy but I just wanted to take some time and reflect on this past year. Even with it’s ups and downs I have to say that I am pretty pleased with my 2016.

No, I haven’t met my weight loss goals. No, I’m not pregnant. And no, I didn’t find the fountain of youth. 

But what I do have is even more gratitude, love and appreciation for some pretty amazing friends and family who have been there for me through one of my biggest mental growth spurts, whether they know it or not.

Even though I am not where I want to be physically, I am taking each day as it comes and working to not be so hard on myself. I’m very lucky to have an awesome gym family right there with me through every burpee, crunch, deadlift and “Go. Get. Go.”. 👊💪

Even though I’m not pregnant yet, I still have hope that we will one day have our little miracle. And I am beyond thrilled to have welcomed our new niece into our family not too long ago. 

And even though I didn’t find the fountain of youth, I have learned to embrace turning the big 3-5 and accept that I’m not getting older, I’m getting better. 😘

So thank you, my amazing friends and family for listening and being there and for helping me find some peace and clarity this year.

Have a very Happy Chanukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa or Happy whatever else it is you may celebrate… and a very Happy New Year!!

Cheers!

Xoxo Jayme