Happiness means many different things to different people. But one thing remains the same… happiness is not something physical or tangible, it is cognitive. It is defined by each person’s individual perception of a situation.

I have had many ups and downs throughout my journey and every time I’m in a downward trend I rack my brain trying to figure out, why. Why did this happen again? Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Why can’t I stay on track? Why? Why? Why?

Today, I learned that I shouldn’t focus on the, why. Instead, I should focus on what I am doing to pick myself back up again. What is it, in that specific moment that I can change to bring happiness back into my life.

I have always said, and strongly believe that it all starts and stops in our minds. “What you give power to, has power over you. If you let it.” I’m not a size 2. I don’t have a child at 33. I don’t have a cool million in the bank. I can either let these thoughts keep me in a funk or I can change my thought process.

I’m not a size 2, but eating cleanly and working out consistently will only help me get closer to achieving my long term goal of finally getting under 200 pounds. I don’t have a child at 33, but I can start researching our options again and know that it is OK to let the tears fall when they need to. I don’t have a cool million in the bank, but I have a roof over my head every night and food on my table every day so I’d say I’m doing OK.

By tweaking my thoughts ever so slightly, the plan is that I will in turn create my own happiness.

Every day Timehop shows me the person I once was… the person who was excited and motivated about diet and fitness. Lately, it’s been so difficult to find my way back to that person. But… do I really want to be her?

Every experience we go through lends itself to the person we become. You don’t grow from moving backwards, yes you learn from the past, but you only grow when you choose to move forward… and in order to move forward you need to stop living in the “back when” and “some day” and start living in the present.

So much is out of our control, but we are essentially in control of what we decide to do in each moment… and even if it might not be the best choice for us, it is a choice that we are choosing to make and we need to own it.

This is something that is so much easier said than done and will take more work than I ever realized… but I am a work in progress after all 😇.

Motivation. Easy to find, even harder to keep.

After my birthday I stayed motivated to continue on this new clean path… for a while… or rather a whopping two months.

I was laid off from my job of 9+ years in January. I can’t say I was sad to say goodbye though… I was on to the next big adventure and had planned a three week trip back East to help me refresh and reboot.

Being able to see and spend so much time with all of my old friends and their families was amazing and such a blast… but it also made me realize what I had been feeling for some time.

I thought I was doing OK. I thought I had found strength. Unfortunately, what I found was that I had done such a good job of ignoring what I was really feeling; the void of not having a little family of my own, that I allowed all of it to just silently and slowly eat away at me. I was letting my sadness, bitterness and yes, I’m embarrassed to say… even jealousy continue to define me.

And once again food became my escape, my solace… my achilles heel.

(Excerpt from my November 10th, 2014 Facebook post)

Thank you all sooo sooo much for taking the time to acknowledge your Facebook notification and wish me a happy birthday!! Happy 239th Birthday to the Marines too!

Today also means it’s 4 months since I said I would lose the 40 pounds I had gained back during my journey by my birthday. My plan was to exceed that, but unfortunately I missed it by 1 pound. I’m bummed that I didn’t meet my goal and I’m excited because I freakin’ lost 39 pounds in 4 months… bringing my total back to 134 pounds lost!!!!!!!!

My next goal (try to follow!) is to weigh 228 by December 6th, Dustin’s company holiday party. 229 was the lowest I got to on my journey and the last time Dustin’s company had their holiday party I was at my heaviest… so I want to be at my lowest by then. I have 8 pounds to lose and 26 days in which to lose it! I know what it is I need to work on and I’m gonna keep going!!

Now, it’s time to finish out my birthday with my amazing hubby. Thank you all again for all of your awesome wishes… I am so excited for this year!! Xoxo

(Excerpt from my August 13th, 2014 Facebook post)

For the past year, life threw blow after blow my way and I chose to eat my way through all the hard times rather than work through my sadness, anger and frustration constructively.

Sure I was still gymmin’ it… but because I kept eatin’ it I slowly started to see all of my hard work, my loss of over 130 pounds over the last 3 years, slowly unravel and before I knew it I had gained back 40 of those damn pounds in a year… 23 of them creeping back in the short time span of just 9 weeks!

I needed to make a change… I wanted this again and I needed to make the decision to stop with the, “I’m back”, “no I’m not”, “yes I am” bs and just be back already!

I am so fortunate for my friends and family and the support team I’ve gained over the years because it was all of them who helped me to see how nothing I was doing was helping me reach my goal… a goal I was only 29 pounds away from crushing not too long ago.

So I decided it was time to take back control of my life, to not become this person I was starting to be perceived as. My awesome friends, family and support team could tell me until they were blue in the face what I needed to do to get back on track, but only I could do it… only I could make the choice to put that fork down and really make a change.

Well, it took 3 years but I have finally learned what it truly means to make a lifestyle change.

I was at 275 pounds when I decided that I wanted to lose the 40 pounds I had gained by my birthday, November 10th… I had exactly 4 months to do it. So I lost 4, then I lost 11 and then I was at 260.

260 was the day I started a 30 day cleanse with Colonix… but go big or go home right? So in addition to that, I had a comprehensive food allergy test done to see what foods my body had a reaction to… well the list was long… none of them were strong reactions but there were reactions nonetheless. Cumbers, chicken, dairy and wheat were some of the foods on the list… I get dairy and wheat reactions but what the hell is in a cucumber?? Anyway, I removed all of the foods in red from my diet for the past 30 days and essentially became a non-processed, mostly plant based, dairy free, gluten free, soy free, corn free, hemp seed loving person… and I have never felt better, both physically and mentally!

So today, on day 31, I am down a total of 25 lbs and 3 inches from my waist and I will absolutely crush my goal of losing 40 pounds by my birthday! Today, I will be adding back one food from the red list and then waiting a week to see if I have a reaction. Then I’ll add another, wait a week and so on. However, I have made the decision to continue the mostly non-processed, plant based, dairy free, gluten free, soy free, corn free, hemp seed loving thing indefinitely. Why? Because I CAN. Because I don’t WANT those other foods. Because seeing the results I’ve been getting week after week just by eating for my body is enough to make me see that I CAN and WILL do this!

But, let’s not go completely crazy and say I’ll never have a slice of pizza again or a sip of alcohol, popcorn at the movies or even a cucumber! I’ll just know that if I do, it will be the best damn slice of pizza or sip of alcohol money can buy because it will need to be worth the price my body will probably pay for it later 😛.

Now, if you stuck with me this long (both on my journey and through this post) I’m oh so glad you did! And now there are some people who deserve to be called out here…

First, my amazing hubby and BIGGEST cheerleader, Dustin. Thank you for being patient with me as I became “the freak at the table” (courtesy of Nourish), and for always reminding me that I’m a bird food eating, tree hugger now ☺. I love you babe!

My awesome trainer and his family! Patrick- thank you for never quitting me… even though I know I’ve frustrated the hell out of you a time or two over the years 😇. Thank you for always telling me what I need to hear- good or bad. You are a constant voice in my head that keeps pushing me past limits I never thought I’d even reach. I am so ready and so excited to finally be on the path that will allow me to crush my goal and be better than, “good enough”!

Morgan- Thank you for letting me pick your brain about nutrition and giving me the stepping stones I needed to get to something bigger.

Quan- Thank you for pairing me with Patrick 3 years ago, for opening such an amazing gym that truly practices what it preaches and for being a kick ass Muay Thai instructor!

Anthony- Thank you for opening said gym with Quan, for my awesome and thoughtful keychain and for being such an awesome sounding board throughout this process!

And lastly, my new best friend, my holistic nutritionist and the person who would be beyond rich if she had a nickel for every question I’ve asked throughout this process, Kirstin. You have taught me so much about NOURISHment (ha! shameless plug ☺), the holistic side of nutrition and that a lot of restaurants use pancake batter or flour in their omelettes (craziness!). You’ve helped me see that my body can and will dictate my diet. And you made me realize that eating a mostly non-processed, plant based, dairy free, gluten free, hemp seed diet can be a good thing ☺.

That’s all I have for now… until Saturday… when I finally get back to posting my weekly weigh-ins again!

And just know… I never failed nor quit… I just took a few wrong turns and now I’m back… better than ever! It took that detour and all the bad, and good to get me where I am today… I am 100%, without a doubt, “All In”! (another shameless plug ☺).

By July 2014, I had gained back 40 of the pounds I had worked so hard to lose. I was still working out, but not nearly enough to burn all the extra calories I was consuming. I had never considered myself, or rather accepted that I was an emotional eater until now.

July 3rd, 2014 I went out on a ladies night with four of my friends. The alcohol… and emotions were definitely flowing that night as most of us were going through some sort of life event.

One of those friends had recently given birth and during one point of our conversation I ended with telling her, “But I am happy for you,” to which she replied, “I don’t think you are… I think you’re mad and don’t think I should have a baby.”

Her baby was a beautiful oops… but there was definitely that tinge of, ‘why was it so easy for everyone else’. Her response made the tires come to a screeching halt in my head. It was one thing for me to feel the way that I was feeling, but it was another if I was projecting those emotions out into my life. I didn’t want to be sad anymore. I didn’t want to be bitter anymore. And I sure as hell didn’t want to keep gaining weight. Something had to change.

We tried another IUI at the end of December 2013… but it didn’t take. At this point, food had become my comfort. It seemed to fill the void I was feeling.

In January 2014, Dustin and I went to visit my Nanny. She had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November and it had quickly spread. We knew what this trip was going to be. It was so hard to see a woman who was once so strong in mind and body become so forgetful and frail. She just wasn’t my Nanny anymore, but I’m glad I had a chance to say goodbye. It was a visit that I will always remember and am glad we took because it wasn’t even a month later that she was gone. I am grateful she is no longer in pain, but I miss her so much each and every day and want to talk to her or play cards with her just one more time.

I again turned to food to help me navigate through all the grief. I needed something to be good… I needed something to go right. So, not long after my Nanny passed away we decided to try another IUI. I really thought it would work this time… we had Nanny up there supporting us.

Unfortunately, this one didn’t take either. Why did it technically work the first time and not the next two times? Why was this so easy for everyone else? Food became the only answer I could find.

Needless to say, after being told twice in the same pregnancy we were going to miscarry we were absolutely crushed.

I quickly threw myself into therapy… and food, a lot of food, to cope. And this time I scheduled a D&C… we wanted to know what went wrong, I needed to know if it was my fault.

The day of my procedure arrived. We were sad, nervous and scared. While anxiously waiting for the nurse to call us back the power went out… someone had hit a transformer. My husband and I just sat back and started laughing… I mean seriously… what else was going to happen??

They finally called us back and said they would start prepping me, but if the power didn’t come back on they were going to reschedule the procedure. We didn’t want that, we were as ready as we were ever going to be now… we wanted this to be over so that we could truly start to mourn.

Almost 2 hours after it went out, the power finally came back on. Shortly after, our doctor walked into the room to check on us. We asked him point blank if he always knew we would miscarry. He said yes, in his experience our pregnancy never presented itself as viable and he didn’t want to give us any false hope. He further explained that they would send the embyro and tissue they collect during the procedure to a lab to test for any chromosomal abnormalities.

The embryo and tissue they collect? You mean, our baby? We may have only been pregnant for 8 weeks, but we were still pregnant. I still experienced a lot of symptoms most women feel early on in their pregnancies… dizziness, sore breasts and even that weird and amazing feeling of your uterus stretching. It doesn’t matter how far along you were in your pregnancy, it doesn’t hurt any less to know you’ll never get to meet your baby… never get to hold your baby… and never get to kiss their keppie and tell them everything will be ok… to have to give your baby back.

A few weeks later we went back to our doctor’s office to go over the results from the lab. He started by offering his sympathy again for what we had gone through and said it was a girl. “A girl?!”, my husband asked as he choked back his tears.

For anyone who knows my husband, they know he was always adamant that we would only ever have boys (like we really have control over that my love). But, the look of pure joy on his face when he heard we were pregnant with a girl made me lose it and fall in love with him all over again at the same time. I always knew he would love whatever we were blessed to have, but it was nice to finally see him warm up to the idea of a little girl ☺.

Our doctor went on to say that our baby (my words, not his) was chromosomally normal. While we were grateful for that, it still didn’t give us an answer as to what went wrong. He said it most likely happened because she (again, my words not his) never implanted properly from the beginning. He then said we could try again in two cycles.

That was November 2013. Our due date was June 24, 2014. Today, Sunday June 21st, 2015 would have been Dustin’s first Father’s Day… we will always love you, Lily Rose.

Our fertility doctor called us within minutes of leaving the perinatal specialist’s office. He told us that while our baby had a heartbeat, it was a little low and he wanted us to remain cautiously optimistic.

We immediately called all of our family and friends back to tell them we were still pregnant. They were all just as shocked and excited as we were and agreed that we truly had a miracle baby growing inside of me.

We went for another ultrasound the following week (week 7) and our baby’s heartbeat was beating even stronger. It was the most amazing and beautiful sound.

Our final ultrasound with our fertility doctor was scheduled for the following week. We couldn’t wait… this would be our last appointment before we graduated to my OB’s office.

I remember lying back on the exam table and staring up at the screen, waiting to hear that most amazing and beautiful sound again… but there was nothing to hear. “Can you turn the volume up on the machine? Or move to another area?”, my husband asked. But, our doctor said in order to hear the heartbeat he needed to see it first, and… he didn’t see it. He then told us that given everything we’ve been through we can come back in a couple days for another ultrasound just to make sure there was still no heartbeat. We did… and there wasn’t.

After 8 weeks the roller coaster ride we had been on was over… we had officially miscarried.

A few days later, I received another call from my doctor after one of my infamous blood tests. He said that my HCG level had peaked, it still wasn’t a viable pregnancy and that he was worried I might have a heterotopic pregnancy… where there’s a baby growing inside and outside of the uterus. He was sending me to a perinatal specialist to get a better look.

My appointment was scheduled for a Wednesday morning. As my husband and I sat in the waiting room and filled out the endless paperwork, I became increasingly sad and angry. “How many pregnancies have you had?” was one of the questions. “What’s the reason for your visit?” was another. I just wanted this nightmare to be over.

The tech finally called us back. She said she was going to start with an external ultrasound. I lied back, she put the cold gel on my stomach and as she started to move the wand around we heard a noise, at which point my husband shouted, “What’s that??”. The tech replied, “That’s your baby.”.