I probably shouldn’t be blogging right now… but the infamous “they” say a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts so here goes…

I love my life… I do. I have the most amazing husband, the best of friends and a wonderful family. But I’m missing something… myself.

I lost myself somewhere in the last year. I used to be able to find my way back whenever I’ve fallen… but I’ve fallen so far this time that I don’t know if I can ever find my way…

People say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well I call bullshit. Losing my babies has made me weaker… so weak that I’m terrified to even try again and even weaker to get back to the woman I was becoming in mind, body and soul.

I have officially allowed my tragedies to define me… I crumble when things go wrong, when I lose control. And rather than strengthening my grip on what I can control I let go… because it’s easier. It’s easier to let go than to keep fighting. To keep pushing. It’s easier to make excuses or place blame on anyone or anything than where the blame needs to go… on myself.

It is not my fault that what I can’t control didn’t go my way. But it is my fault that I allow what I can’t control to control me and make me crumble.

So now I’m left to pick up the pieces… to try and put them back together, but they just don’t seem to fit. Either that or they aren’t meant to fit anymore and I need to come up with a new strategy… a new way to put myself back together when some pieces of me just don’t seem to fit anymore…