What Infertility Means to Me…

It can break you, your relationship, your bank account.

It’s a community of people just like you. And they speak in acronyms… millions of acronyms.

It’s taking the most intimate experience between two people and turning it into needles, ultrasounds and jerking off into a cup.

It’s about finding clarity and embracing the practice of mindfulness.

It’s IUI and IVF.

It’s buying stock in pregnancy tests.

It’s poking and prodding.

It’s the highest highs and the lowest lows.

It’s contemplating adoption.

It’s starting to accept that your dreams of a party of 4 may only be just us.

It’s living life based on your period in increments of Day 1 and 2 weeks.

It’s being hyperaware of every single solitary symptom you feel.

It’s learning to breathe and trying again.

It’s having hope, but no expectations.

It’s learning what you’re truly made of and how much your mind and body can withstand.

It’s falling more in love with your partner and building an even stronger bond with each try.

It’s the waiting, the hoping, and the “did I do something wrong?”, “what can I change this time?”. 

It’s trying not to fall down the rabbit hole of a million different questions and scenarios.

It’s the painful, heartbreaking, shitty reality of having to say goodbye before you’ve even had the chance to say hello… again.