As we get ready for our upcoming second D&C, Dustin and I are sadly reminded that tomorrow, June 24th we would have been getting ready for Lily Rose’s 3rd birthday.

2 pregnancies with nothing to show for them but heartache, sadness, anger and frustration. 

To all the couples struggling with the dirty “I” word we get it and we are here for you. And to all the couples who have fortunately never had to struggle with the dirty “I” word please hug your children a little tighter for us.

There is nothing Dustin and I would want more right now than to hug our daughter and wish her a Happy 3rd Birthday instead of having to say goodbye to our second child we will never have the chance to meet.

Yes, we know we will survive this and we will be stronger for it, but there is no better way to describe how we feel right now other than this f!@#$%^ sucks.

What Infertility Means to Me…

It can break you, your relationship, your bank account.

It’s a community of people just like you. And they speak in acronyms… millions of acronyms.

It’s taking the most intimate experience between two people and turning it into needles, ultrasounds and jerking off into a cup.

It’s about finding clarity and embracing the practice of mindfulness.

It’s IUI and IVF.

It’s buying stock in pregnancy tests.

It’s poking and prodding.

It’s the highest highs and the lowest lows.

It’s contemplating adoption.

It’s starting to accept that your dreams of a party of 4 may only be just us.

It’s living life based on your period in increments of Day 1 and 2 weeks.

It’s being hyperaware of every single solitary symptom you feel.

It’s learning to breathe and trying again.

It’s having hope, but no expectations.

It’s learning what you’re truly made of and how much your mind and body can withstand.

It’s falling more in love with your partner and building an even stronger bond with each try.

It’s the waiting, the hoping, and the “did I do something wrong?”, “what can I change this time?”. 

It’s trying not to fall down the rabbit hole of a million different questions and scenarios.

It’s the painful, heartbreaking, shitty reality of having to say goodbye before you’ve even had the chance to say hello… again.