Three years ago today I did what I never thought I could do… I lost 100 freakin’ pounds! I even managed to keep it all off and then some for over 2 years. Unfortuately, now instead of being able to say, “I’ve lost 100+ freakin’ pounds!” I can only say, “I once lost 100+ freakin’ pounds”.

When I first started on my journey I followed Weight Watchers (for the millionth time). I knew how to read a label, but I only had to really pay attention to the fiber because the higher the fiber the lower the points. Their Points Plus program essentially gave you carte blanche to eat whatever you wanted. If you wanted the cookie, you could have the damn cookie, you just needed to make sure you stayed within your daily points allowance (but let’s not forget those glorious Flex Points!).

When I decided I wanted to truly learn how to eat to live rather than live to eat, I switched to counting calories and using MyFitnessPal. I learned how to “eat this, not that” and I saw my success continue.

When I wanted to try the whole clean eating approach, I had a food allergy test done and eliminated gluten, dairy, soy and processed sugars because the results told me that’s where almost all of my inflammation was coming from. I bought grass fed and organic and hemp hearts and chia seeds and watched the pounds and inflammation go down (and the grocery bills go up).

And that brings us to now… I feel like I’m just grasping at straws trying to pick and stick with something.

I have an infuriating mentality that everything has to be all or nothing. If I can’t completely do something the way I think I should, then I just won’t do it at all… because that’s better and makes total sense right? I know, it’s a warped way of thinking that I just need to get over but am stuck on. I need to get it into my head that doing just half, or even a quarter of the clean eating I was doing before combined with a little bit of convenience (and price… ie who knows what they’re eating for 1.99/lb vs grass fed amazingness for 5.99/lb) is OK… because the bottom line is doing nothing is never gonna get me back to saying, “I lost over 100 freakin’ pounds!” again.

I’ve thought about this post for a while now and if or how I would write it. There are so many things I want to say, but haven’t, mainly because I didn’t want to admit how I’m really feeling out loud (or in my blog). In truth, I don’t really want to do this post… the tears are already pouring out as I tap along on the keyboard. But I’m going to. I need to. I want to let others know they’re not alone in their struggles, whatever they may be, and that getting it out can sometimes have the most cathartic effect.

When I started on my weight loss journey I did so for one reason and one reason only… I want to be a mom. I counted my points and then calories, I did Zumba and circuit training and even Muay Thai. I lost a ton of weight and gained a sense of happiness I never knew, and of course my health too. I was feeling good, I was looking good and so it was time to finally try. And then… it all went to shit (excuse my French).

I have never gotten over nor accepted my miscarriage, and I don’t think I ever truly will (as evidenced by a recent ugly drunk cry session). It completely changes you… one minute your little someone is growing inside of you and the next they’re gone. Silence, an empty blip on the screen and a shitload of heartache and questions are all you’re left with.

Over the course of the past fifteen months I’ve become resentful and only recently have I admitted to myself and to my husband that I’ve lost hope that the one thing I want most in this world might never be. I got healthy to get pregnant, I did and then 8 short weeks later I wasn’t. I did everything right, why didn’t it work? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Why are people who are heavier and much unhealthier than me popping out kids left and right? Why? Why? Why? I didn’t want to think about it anymore so I buried my feelings, stopped talking about it and I ate. And ate. And ate some more. What is the point of trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle when the one thing you want the most is so far out of your reach and control? I chose the easy way and gave up, when most people would probably keep trying and fighting for what they want.

Now please, please, please don’t get me wrong… I AM unbelievably and truly happy for all of my friends and family who pop out their little miracles. I have only recently learned to accept that it is OK for me to feel what I am feeling, these real and oh so raw emotions that come and go in waves. But what I cannot accept is allowing myself to continue to eat myself into an oblivion to avoid feeling the pain and sadness I’ve tried to keep down and ignore.

I don’t want to waste anymore of my life being resentful and questioning why or what might be. I want to actually start focusing on living in the present and taking each day as it comes. But if I ever happen to make a snide or jaded comment or even ugly drunk (or sober) cry in front of you, please know that it’s not personal… it’s just me trying to work through all of these emotions instead of eating my way through them.

Dealt myself another hand tonight… my husband and I rejoined the gym and reconnected with our old trainer. Am I ready to play again? Not quite… but I’m not ready to fold either.

(And on that note, I think the gambling references have officially been played out 😘)