Every day Timehop shows me the person I once was… the person who was excited and motivated about diet and fitness. Lately, it’s been so difficult to find my way back to that person. But… do I really want to be her?

Every experience we go through lends itself to the person we become. You don’t grow from moving backwards, yes you learn from the past, but you only grow when you choose to move forward… and in order to move forward you need to stop living in the “back when” and “some day” and start living in the present.

So much is out of our control, but we are essentially in control of what we decide to do in each moment… and even if it might not be the best choice for us, it is a choice that we are choosing to make and we need to own it.

This is something that is so much easier said than done and will take more work than I ever realized… but I am a work in progress after all 😇.

Motivation. Easy to find, even harder to keep.

After my birthday I stayed motivated to continue on this new clean path… for a while… or rather a whopping two months.

I was laid off from my job of 9+ years in January. I can’t say I was sad to say goodbye though… I was on to the next big adventure and had planned a three week trip back East to help me refresh and reboot.

Being able to see and spend so much time with all of my old friends and their families was amazing and such a blast… but it also made me realize what I had been feeling for some time.

I thought I was doing OK. I thought I had found strength. Unfortunately, what I found was that I had done such a good job of ignoring what I was really feeling; the void of not having a little family of my own, that I allowed all of it to just silently and slowly eat away at me. I was letting my sadness, bitterness and yes, I’m embarrassed to say… even jealousy continue to define me.

And once again food became my escape, my solace… my achilles heel.

(Excerpt from my November 10th, 2014 Facebook post)

Thank you all sooo sooo much for taking the time to acknowledge your Facebook notification and wish me a happy birthday!! Happy 239th Birthday to the Marines too!

Today also means it’s 4 months since I said I would lose the 40 pounds I had gained back during my journey by my birthday. My plan was to exceed that, but unfortunately I missed it by 1 pound. I’m bummed that I didn’t meet my goal and I’m excited because I freakin’ lost 39 pounds in 4 months… bringing my total back to 134 pounds lost!!!!!!!!

My next goal (try to follow!) is to weigh 228 by December 6th, Dustin’s company holiday party. 229 was the lowest I got to on my journey and the last time Dustin’s company had their holiday party I was at my heaviest… so I want to be at my lowest by then. I have 8 pounds to lose and 26 days in which to lose it! I know what it is I need to work on and I’m gonna keep going!!

Now, it’s time to finish out my birthday with my amazing hubby. Thank you all again for all of your awesome wishes… I am so excited for this year!! Xoxo

(Excerpt from my August 13th, 2014 Facebook post)

For the past year, life threw blow after blow my way and I chose to eat my way through all the hard times rather than work through my sadness, anger and frustration constructively.

Sure I was still gymmin’ it… but because I kept eatin’ it I slowly started to see all of my hard work, my loss of over 130 pounds over the last 3 years, slowly unravel and before I knew it I had gained back 40 of those damn pounds in a year… 23 of them creeping back in the short time span of just 9 weeks!

I needed to make a change… I wanted this again and I needed to make the decision to stop with the, “I’m back”, “no I’m not”, “yes I am” bs and just be back already!

I am so fortunate for my friends and family and the support team I’ve gained over the years because it was all of them who helped me to see how nothing I was doing was helping me reach my goal… a goal I was only 29 pounds away from crushing not too long ago.

So I decided it was time to take back control of my life, to not become this person I was starting to be perceived as. My awesome friends, family and support team could tell me until they were blue in the face what I needed to do to get back on track, but only I could do it… only I could make the choice to put that fork down and really make a change.

Well, it took 3 years but I have finally learned what it truly means to make a lifestyle change.

I was at 275 pounds when I decided that I wanted to lose the 40 pounds I had gained by my birthday, November 10th… I had exactly 4 months to do it. So I lost 4, then I lost 11 and then I was at 260.

260 was the day I started a 30 day cleanse with Colonix… but go big or go home right? So in addition to that, I had a comprehensive food allergy test done to see what foods my body had a reaction to… well the list was long… none of them were strong reactions but there were reactions nonetheless. Cumbers, chicken, dairy and wheat were some of the foods on the list… I get dairy and wheat reactions but what the hell is in a cucumber?? Anyway, I removed all of the foods in red from my diet for the past 30 days and essentially became a non-processed, mostly plant based, dairy free, gluten free, soy free, corn free, hemp seed loving person… and I have never felt better, both physically and mentally!

So today, on day 31, I am down a total of 25 lbs and 3 inches from my waist and I will absolutely crush my goal of losing 40 pounds by my birthday! Today, I will be adding back one food from the red list and then waiting a week to see if I have a reaction. Then I’ll add another, wait a week and so on. However, I have made the decision to continue the mostly non-processed, plant based, dairy free, gluten free, soy free, corn free, hemp seed loving thing indefinitely. Why? Because I CAN. Because I don’t WANT those other foods. Because seeing the results I’ve been getting week after week just by eating for my body is enough to make me see that I CAN and WILL do this!

But, let’s not go completely crazy and say I’ll never have a slice of pizza again or a sip of alcohol, popcorn at the movies or even a cucumber! I’ll just know that if I do, it will be the best damn slice of pizza or sip of alcohol money can buy because it will need to be worth the price my body will probably pay for it later 😛.

Now, if you stuck with me this long (both on my journey and through this post) I’m oh so glad you did! And now there are some people who deserve to be called out here…

First, my amazing hubby and BIGGEST cheerleader, Dustin. Thank you for being patient with me as I became “the freak at the table” (courtesy of Nourish), and for always reminding me that I’m a bird food eating, tree hugger now ☺. I love you babe!

My awesome trainer and his family! Patrick- thank you for never quitting me… even though I know I’ve frustrated the hell out of you a time or two over the years 😇. Thank you for always telling me what I need to hear- good or bad. You are a constant voice in my head that keeps pushing me past limits I never thought I’d even reach. I am so ready and so excited to finally be on the path that will allow me to crush my goal and be better than, “good enough”!

Morgan- Thank you for letting me pick your brain about nutrition and giving me the stepping stones I needed to get to something bigger.

Quan- Thank you for pairing me with Patrick 3 years ago, for opening such an amazing gym that truly practices what it preaches and for being a kick ass Muay Thai instructor!

Anthony- Thank you for opening said gym with Quan, for my awesome and thoughtful keychain and for being such an awesome sounding board throughout this process!

And lastly, my new best friend, my holistic nutritionist and the person who would be beyond rich if she had a nickel for every question I’ve asked throughout this process, Kirstin. You have taught me so much about NOURISHment (ha! shameless plug ☺), the holistic side of nutrition and that a lot of restaurants use pancake batter or flour in their omelettes (craziness!). You’ve helped me see that my body can and will dictate my diet. And you made me realize that eating a mostly non-processed, plant based, dairy free, gluten free, hemp seed diet can be a good thing ☺.

That’s all I have for now… until Saturday… when I finally get back to posting my weekly weigh-ins again!

And just know… I never failed nor quit… I just took a few wrong turns and now I’m back… better than ever! It took that detour and all the bad, and good to get me where I am today… I am 100%, without a doubt, “All In”! (another shameless plug ☺).

By July 2014, I had gained back 40 of the pounds I had worked so hard to lose. I was still working out, but not nearly enough to burn all the extra calories I was consuming. I had never considered myself, or rather accepted that I was an emotional eater until now.

July 3rd, 2014 I went out on a ladies night with four of my friends. The alcohol… and emotions were definitely flowing that night as most of us were going through some sort of life event.

One of those friends had recently given birth and during one point of our conversation I ended with telling her, “But I am happy for you,” to which she replied, “I don’t think you are… I think you’re mad and don’t think I should have a baby.”

Her baby was a beautiful oops… but there was definitely that tinge of, ‘why was it so easy for everyone else’. Her response made the tires come to a screeching halt in my head. It was one thing for me to feel the way that I was feeling, but it was another if I was projecting those emotions out into my life. I didn’t want to be sad anymore. I didn’t want to be bitter anymore. And I sure as hell didn’t want to keep gaining weight. Something had to change.