Needless to say, after being told twice in the same pregnancy we were going to miscarry we were absolutely crushed.

I quickly threw myself into therapy… and food, a lot of food, to cope. And this time I scheduled a D&C… we wanted to know what went wrong, I needed to know if it was my fault.

The day of my procedure arrived. We were sad, nervous and scared. While anxiously waiting for the nurse to call us back the power went out… someone had hit a transformer. My husband and I just sat back and started laughing… I mean seriously… what else was going to happen??

They finally called us back and said they would start prepping me, but if the power didn’t come back on they were going to reschedule the procedure. We didn’t want that, we were as ready as we were ever going to be now… we wanted this to be over so that we could truly start to mourn.

Almost 2 hours after it went out, the power finally came back on. Shortly after, our doctor walked into the room to check on us. We asked him point blank if he always knew we would miscarry. He said yes, in his experience our pregnancy never presented itself as viable and he didn’t want to give us any false hope. He further explained that they would send the embyro and tissue they collect during the procedure to a lab to test for any chromosomal abnormalities.

The embryo and tissue they collect? You mean, our baby? We may have only been pregnant for 8 weeks, but we were still pregnant. I still experienced a lot of symptoms most women feel early on in their pregnancies… dizziness, sore breasts and even that weird and amazing feeling of your uterus stretching. It doesn’t matter how far along you were in your pregnancy, it doesn’t hurt any less to know you’ll never get to meet your baby… never get to hold your baby… and never get to kiss their keppie and tell them everything will be ok… to have to give your baby back.

A few weeks later we went back to our doctor’s office to go over the results from the lab. He started by offering his sympathy again for what we had gone through and said it was a girl. “A girl?!”, my husband asked as he choked back his tears.

For anyone who knows my husband, they know he was always adamant that we would only ever have boys (like we really have control over that my love). But, the look of pure joy on his face when he heard we were pregnant with a girl made me lose it and fall in love with him all over again at the same time. I always knew he would love whatever we were blessed to have, but it was nice to finally see him warm up to the idea of a little girl ☺.

Our doctor went on to say that our baby (my words, not his) was chromosomally normal. While we were grateful for that, it still didn’t give us an answer as to what went wrong. He said it most likely happened because she (again, my words not his) never implanted properly from the beginning. He then said we could try again in two cycles.

That was November 2013. Our due date was June 24, 2014. Today, Sunday June 21st, 2015 would have been Dustin’s first Father’s Day… we will always love you, Lily Rose.